Thread: Dilemma

I have a problem and would very much appreciate any advice.

I have a friend (let's call her M) who I grew up with. Last year she was diagnosed as a schizophrenic depressive. She interprets everything in a very personal way (and I mean everything). On top of this she tends to feel incomplete without a man so bounds from man to man but her emotional needs are so great that relationships tend to get twisted very quickly. Her latest fiancé is an alcoholic which has also affected her drinking habits.

Last night she texted me that she was leaving Fiancé as he kept on punishing her for things being her fault and going to try and get into a homeless shelter.
She is 27 so her parents have limited influence and she won't go home to them (mainly due to the fact that they stopped her from running around with a large knife after her boyfriend when they had a fight - she saw it as they were trying to imprison her and instead went after her mother with the knife). Her sister has reached the point where she can't offer anymore help (last time she stayed with her she attacked her and her husband for a perceived criticism) and I don't feel I can have her with me in my rented accommodation - In fact I won't have her with me.
Instead I sent her the number for emergency homeless situations.
This morning she texted me that 'sorry I texted you last night. It's ok. As long as I admit it's all my fault then I can stay here'.

One one hand, this is a classic domestic violence cry for help - on the other she has been known to see adverts on tv as an attack by her ex husband. But just because she has trouble with reality - does that mean I should ignore this?

I don't know what to do. She's currently on probation after attacking a policeman and as long as she attends counselling plus other medical services she's out of prison. So should I just hope she tells the counsellor and let the system deal with it?

I feel like a bad friend as I won't offer to let her stay in my home - but I won't be responsible for her and wouldn't be happy leaving her her all day alone.

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You're not being a bad friend. If you wanted to give the system a bit of a prompting rather than wait to see if she tells her counsellor you could pop a message to them. Does she have an ASW that you could let know?
It's good that you've got boundries in place, it's so easy to take on someone else's pain and end up getting hurt in the process.
x

Really sorry to hear of your situation, it really is impossible for you. :worried:

Unfortunately all you can do is try to convince her to open up with these issues to her counselor, and be there to listen and offer a shoulder to cry on if she needs you.

Don't feel guilty about not asking her to stay, you can't jeopardize your home and safety just because she's not got all the help she needs. As a friend, you should be there to support her on an emotional level, but you can't make her get help. The only way to break the domestic violence cycle is for the person involved to realise what the situation really is, and for them to want to leave. You can let them know you know what's going on, but until they accept that they are being abused there is nothing more you can do.

As you said, you can't be responsible for her, which is very very true, and you shouldn't feel bad about it. You are obviously a great friend, or you wouldn't be feeling so bad about this, so try and concentrate of that. :hug:

And if you need anything, we'll all be here to help!

Thanks It is nice to have reassurance that I shouldn't expect to much of myself to go towards supporting her.
Have had a long conversation with her this morning and she seems to have calmed down and has downgraded her story as well. But have encouraged her to talk to the councillor about it

Ooooooooooooooohhhhh, you are in a right situation here, caught betwixt a rock and a hard place!

I must be blunt. YOU are doiong all you can for her by just being there. You could never have any life if you took her into your own home. IN no way am I saying she is a "Bad Girl" or "mental" or whatever, I have worked with far too many people of this ilk to say that.

You read me saying a lot how if some one wants something then THEY have to get up of off their arses and go and do it? Exact same here sweetheart, there is a world and a wealth of help out there for her IF she REALLY wants the help and only she can answer that question.

You have done the exact correct thing by refusingher into your house, into your personal space, please, as others have posted, do NOT feel guilty in the slightest about this. Just recognise that she is going through pure and utter hell in her own mind and sometimes can see absolutly no way out other than sex, drugs, drink, beatings etc, all of which make her "feel" wanted etc, we know they don't but, it is up to HER to figure this out.

Just be there on the end of the phone or for a walk up the road with a bag of chips or a MacDonalds or what ever.

Also, please do resist the temptation to give her money.

As for "the system". It stinks BUT, for those who wish to make it, it DOES work.

I do not mean the councellors etc stink, I mean the lack of recources and a government that just does not give a shit about helping folks in this predicament.

Tell her to open up to her concellor some how, maybe tell it in a story type way about someone else you have heard of etc rather than it sounding like it came from you about her directly.

That is a nasty one Personally in your situation I would be very leery of letting her under my roof as she has been prone to be violent and sounds like she has some distinctly paranoid symptoms. Unfortunately I don't really know of a good wqay out of this situation. The mental health service in the UK is so stretched that it can take literally years to see someone unless things go REALLY tits up. It might be worth talking to someone like SANE or MIND to see if they know of anywhere that can offer help and support - though I probably wouldn't tell your friend you are doing it in case she thinks you are conspiring against her or something similar

Oh and is she on any medication and perhaps more importantly if she is she taking it?

What a horrible situation for you to be in! :hug:

First of all, as others have said you are not being a bad friend by not letting her stay with you, you are doing a great deal more than a lot of people would in your shoes from what I can tell, by simply sticking by her as a friend and letting her know that you are there for her. :hug:

At the end of the day she needs proper psychiatric help from a mental health professional , something that you are not - and you seem to be doing exactly the right thing in encouraging her to take these matters up with her counsellor (who is trained to provide the psychiatric help she needs), rather than you. So kudos to you! :twothumbs:

In fact, from what you have said you seem to be doing just about everything anyone who is not actually her mental health practitioner can do for your friend.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or bad about, quite the opposite in fact, your friend is lucky to have someone like you rooting for her, far too many people in her situation don't! :hug:

I agree with what everyone has said; you have no reason to feel guilty and I think you are doing everything a good friend can.

As someone who has a mental health problem and has gone in to the system a little way, I have met many others who have gone even further in. Many people I have met (including one friend who is also a schizophrenic depressive, though not with violent tendencies, thankfully) have said that being sectioned, although horrible and something they would never want to happen again, helped get them in to a more stable emotional place whether because the hospital helped with particular issues/medication or because it scared them so much to be in a place like that that it encouraged them to be more pro-active with their illness. Therefore, I would urge you to tell everyone she has been violent towards to report it, preferably to her social worker if she has one, but, if necessary, the police. It will be horrible for her to have a police record but, if it helps her health, then I hope it would be worth it. As someone said, contact Mind or Sane for more advice.

Again, before I go, do not feel guilty. I wish I was as lucky as she is to have a friend like you when I first got ill.
Lots of love.
xx

Oh honey :hug:

You are being such a great friend to her by being there for her, listening to her and caring about her.

I'm glad it sounds like she has calmed down a bit, but if possible it might be an idea to get in touch with her councillor? From what you've said, it doesn't sound like her treatment is working as well as it should be.

I really hope things get better for her and for you soon :hug:

Pretty much everyone feels she needs to be sectioned - 1 to get her away from the stress of everyday life for a bit, and 2 to help her get the right medication. She tends to react badly to most medication so the doctors are trying to find the one with the least/best controlled side effects. Unfortunately when it comes to the being sectioned, her fiancé was sectioned a couple of years ago and has pretty much got her terrified of the idea, when the doctors and police convinced her to try it her fiancé attacked the police (thinking he was saving her).

But thanks for everyone's reassurance - it's so easy to feel you should be doing more but I'll stick to doing what I'm doing .