Thread: Why can't I 'feel' sexy?

I have similar feelings with my husband. We've been married for 3 years and I lost a lot of weight for the wedding. With my 'new body', I indulged in beautiful lingerie and nightwear and our sex life was great.

Since then, I have been really focussed on work and have put all the weight back on. Although I dress well to flatter my shape and appear confident, I have become ashamed of being seen naked as I don't think I am as attractive. My husband continually tells me how beautiful I am and that he loves my curves but it doesn't help. I don't feel sexy, especially in front of him, so I don't want to have sex so much.

I only feel sexy in a different persona and I think, even when I was slimmer, this was still the case. The fancy lingerie gave me the confindence, but not when it was just me.

I know this isn't of any help as I don't have any solutions but you're not alone

I think AliX has really managed to pin the tail on the donkey with that advice :twothumbs:

If it makes you feel any better, Id love to have a husband who adored me and bought me nice things....um, that probably doesnt help!! ops:

On the bottle of my Philosophy perfume aptly called "Falling in Love" it says..."falling in love doesnt begin with falling in love with others. It begins with falling in love with ourselves. Loving ourselves is healthy and as God intended. Learn to deeplpy and fully cherish your heart, your soul and your body and only then will you understand what it is to truly love another"

Maybe we could all give this a go! Heres a hug :hug:

Axx

Oh Miss Tique! I feel so bad for you!
When I was five I was told I was "f*****g ugly" by my great aunt (never thought she was that great myself ...) and my Mum and her sisters all laughed. I grew up constantly being compared to my prettier sisters and told that "at least you are clever". I have very rarely felt attractive or desirable.
I have been single for a very long time, which didn't help with my feelings of being fat and ugly but, a few months ago, I met a man (who is now "just" a friend) and I also became more involved in burlesque . I have also been in therapy. All these things have combined and, now, I'm "faking it until I make it"!! My therapist tries to get me to do Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques (ok, I don't do all of them!) and one of them is to act like you believe something and, eventually, you will believe it. I met this guy and, although I find it hard to understand why, I know he finds me attractive so I act like I am; he really has no idea that I have any physical insecurities (and the Oscar goes to...!). I also met two girls who asked me to perform with them so, again though I don't understand why, they can't be embarrassed to be seen with me.
Anyway, waffle ended, I just wanted to tell you that you know your husband finds you attractive (and, going by your photo, I can see why - you are beautiful!) so do what some of these other lovely ladies have suggested, and make yourself up, and, as hard as it may be, act like a beautiful, sexy confident woman and, hopefully, in time, you will believe it.
I am sending you big hugs and lots and lots of good wishes.
xx

Thank you all so much :hug:

Its so nice to hear that I am not alone in my insecurities. Can't type much, have given myself a french manicure and trying not to get nail varnish all over the keyboard!

Hormonal contraception by any chance?

That can kill your sex drive dead (and the associated weight gain doesn't help), especailly the injection. Worst thing is, once it's in your system, it can take ages for it to leave. Did it to me last year some time and it's still not worn off, the weight hasn't shifted by so much as a pound either way, and the recent problem and resultant surgery hasn't helped either ...

All the other advice in the thread probably won't help, I'm afraid. I have an extremely attentive OH who thinks I'm very sexy, even (in some cases especially) with the extra weight, I'm a performer and a model, so confidence isn't a problem (well, not that much of a problem) - I'm not ashamed of my body at all, I just don't dislike it enough to hide it away). And yet I still don't feel like a sexy, desirable woman. And the worst bit is that most days I'm just not bothered by it. I think the problem is in the head and the hormones, and until those are sorted out no amount of exhibitionism or attention is going to change anything.

I can't give you any advice except get off any hormones you're on unless you absolutely cannot function without them, and remember that you're not on your own!

Originally Posted by Fleur du Mal

All the other advice in the thread probably won't help, I'm afraid.

Well that's hardly the attitude!! Perhaps it won't help, but you really don't know so... it might. And it certainly won't do any harm. I'm not going to get into a debate because that would hijack the thread but I just had to say something there because I found that comment really rude and unnecessary! Anyway...

Personally I think Vie O'Lette's advice is excellent. As someone who has (sometimes still is!) in a similar mindset I found her post both relatable and helpful. Sometimes the first step is simply (as Vie put it) "faking it 'til you make it"! That's the attitude I generally take.

For you Miss Tique, there could be other factors too of course and it's always good to explore all options. So yes there's also looking at contraception, any medication, changes in your life or work etc etc. It might be an outside influence rather than just low self-esteem.

There can be a lot of different reasons for feeling like this I'd imagine and it'll be different for everyone (as the range of answers on here has suggested) so if you can relate to anything in here then marvellous - you'll have plenty of support should you need it, I'm sure.

Miss Tique, I really hope things look up for you soon.

Sometimes I feel as though my advice isn't really worth much as I am so young but here we go:

First of all, you sound very lucky to have such a wonderful husband. You sound as if you are very much in love with him, and by the sounds of it he adores you. If you ever feel negative, think about that.

With confidence, I know how it is to not "feel" sexy. I overcame this by dressing up nicely every day, and making an effort. This doesn't mean spending 3 hours in the morning before you go out, maybe just putting on a spritz of perfume you love or wearing one beautiful item of clothing.

Do one thing every day that will make you feel happy and therefore more confident in yourself. Hopefully you should be able to build this up as your confidence grows.

Don't think about your sex life for the time being, just try to boost your confidence and it should improve naturally as a result of this. If you think about it too much, you will just put pressure on yourself.

Remember to confide in your husband, I'm sure he will be a great help. And, importantly, when he says you look amazing, believe him!

By joining MoB, you have made a great first step. There are so many people on here who have found there confidence has increased steadily since joining. There is such great support and advice here.

Just don't give up- you can and will get there!

All the best of luck with it :hug:

Hi Miss Tique,

I'm not sure if you have mentioned this already but do you enjoy your job? I know you said you come home tired but there is a difference between tired after a busy day and knackered after a day at a job where you feel unappreciated.

I'm a mum with 3 kids and over the years my libido has nose dived and then at other times been fantastic. I haven't been on any hormonal contraceptives for 14 yrs so in this case they haven't been a factor. I think most women go through these patches and your not alone at all! Good luck x

Originally Posted by Miss Carrie

Well that's hardly the attitude!! Perhaps it won't help, but you really don't know so... it might. And it certainly won't do any harm. I'm not going to get into a debate because that would hijack the thread but I just had to say something there because I found that comment really rude and unnecessary!

Sorry Carrie - I wasn't in the best of moods when I wrote that to be honest, and reading back now I have to admit I didn't put things in the best way.

All I really meant was that in these situations you have to work out the root of the problem and try to tackle that first - or at least in my, admittedly limited, experience . Using other peoples' methods is all well and good, but if what other people do to feel sexy doesn't work for you then you need to work out why. And I say this purely because I've tried everything that has been suggested on this thread and from many other sources of advice, and none of it has worked for me. It may well work for others - but I now absolutely believe in working out the factors which affect you as an individual first.

But, as you say, I didn't need to be quite so negative. And I'm very sorry if I came across as rude, because I really didn't mean to ...

Hi Miss Tique

The sexiest thing on the planet is confidence. And any one who wants to disagree is going to have to fight me over this one.

I've been married for 17 years now, have an 11 year old and a 6 year old and although my marriage is a long way from what most people consider 'normal' I can identify with tons of what you are saying and want to give you a huge hug and tell you that you are absolutely 100% not alone and also that I am utterly convinced that things can get better for you.

I too was mocked by family as I was growing up for being fat and ugly - the phrase that still sticks with me to this day is 'big disgusting blob'. And for years and years and years I believed this. I hated my body - even though my wonderful husband thought and still thinks I am the sexiest woman on the planet....I would just get annoyed with him for saying this, because in my head it clearly wasn't true.

And I've had jobs that I didn't really enjoy, but because of the way I was brought up, I've always been so desperate to please everyone that I have let myself be walked on like a doormat - working ridiculously long hours and in very stressful environments with very little appreciation....and coming home from this night after night and then having to start again basically looking after children is MASSIVELY hard work and it wears you down. And when you're tired and your self-esteem is low it's medically proven that the harms your libido and it definitely did mine for decades.

Anyway, my point is - if I could break the cycle and realise that I am ok, that I am pretty (and I do believe everyone, man or woman has the capacity to be beautiful, it all comes from the inside out), that hang on...actually I'm not bad at all, in fact, bloody hell, I'm quite desirable.....in fact.....oh, my, goodness.......I'm sexy!! then anyone can do it - because I know how far I had to come. No, I'm totally serious - if I can do it anyone can - yes, it takes time, and there are lots of ups and downs, but it can be done.

And how did I do it? (yes, Fleur is 'sort of' right that there isn't a single cure but this might help) I had to first rebuild my confidence and realise that I am enough. I am a worthwhile individual and just how much the world would miss me if I were gone. I know you're all going to mock me, but if you want an easy place to start - watch It's A Wonderful Life, recommended to me by my Community mental health Care Nurse and then start thinking about your own life, and how your stepchildren, your husband, your friends, your workmates etc all need you and love you.

Then you need to start realising how important it is to dedicate time to yourself. yes, the kids need feeding, and that work needs doing and I'm guessing from what you've said that sometimes you put everyone before yourself.....but if you're not 'well' and I mean that in a self-esteem way, if you're not able to be strong because you feel down and worthless and unsexy....then they 'suffer' anyway....not having a happy mum isn't fun, so spending time on yourself - acting as is if you are confident, acting as if you are sexy, taking time to have that bubble bath, going and buying yourself a little something special.....it is very important. it's in everyone's interest that you feel better about yourself.

I also found that having my photo taken helped. I've always run away from cameras, you wouldn't think it to look at my photos in recent months. But I thought I was hideous and fat and couldn't stand to look at myself. So I started getting the hubby to dress me up and take glamorous pics of me....and this attention felt nice.....and the pics didn't look hideous.....and then I took a step further, I developed Tempest Devyne and I set a myspace page...and I posted the pics on it, and I started getting messages from admirers....some sleazy but these made me smile just as much as sincere ones (Iknow, I am odd and I don't expect everyone to think the same as I do)

I do think there's a lot to be said for booking yourself a photoshoot with a reputable understanding.....probably female photographer and you can find a lot through this website. They will make you look the best you can - and you will be surprised how gorgeous you really are.

And your confidence will grow.....and then one day, you'll suddenly realise that you'd quite fancy dragging that lovely man of yours upstairs for an early night....or even better - get the relatives to have the kids for a weekend and book yourself a romantic mini-break alone.....just the two of you.....and all that lovely lingerie and dresses you now own...

Yes I know I'm making this sound easy - I know its not, but trust me I've been where you are and possibly a lot worse as I do have mental health problems and if I can make it make to sexiness, then I am totally totally positive that you can too.

Sorry for the empassioned ramblings....