Why women should avoid a girls' night out after they are married!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a tad squiffy, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed I know 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him, "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew!
Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

So girls the moral of this is: Don't get a cuckoo clock for a wedding present.

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What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Ha !!

Love that story Broomy.

An Eccentric Millionaire throws a pool party for his gorgeous daughters 18th birthday and tons of people attend. Just to add a twist to proceedings he puts a couple of crocadiles in the pool so nobody can swim. After the initial shock of being told you're not allowed to swim in the pool coz its full of crocadiles most people continue to enjoy themselves stood drinking around the pool edge throwing the lazy beasts the odd sausage or pork chop from the BBQ.

Time passes by and the slightly drunk eccentric millionaire decides to spice the party up a little. Turning the music off he announces that he's a betting man and he bets nobody would have the balls to swim from one side of the crocadile infested pool to the other. The whole party falls silent.

'Come on' he says slurring his words 'I tell you what, you see my new aston martin with cream leather interior - the first person to swim from one side to the other gets the keys and the car......'

The whole party remains silent.

'tough crowd - ok then, how about this, the car, the keys and a thousand quid cash to the first person to swim from one side to the other.'

Nobody moves but all glance from side to side to see if anybody has nominated themselves yet. Nobody does.

'Crikey ok, the car, the keys, one thousand quid cash, one night alone with my gorgeous young daughter in a swanky hotel after a lovely meal for two all paid for by yours truly.....'

The stakes are high. The gorgeous daughter can't quite believe her ears but there are a few gorgeous fellas at the party that she's hoping will throw themselves in the pool right this instant !!

Suddenly there's a splash at one end of the pool and all eyes turn to a young fella swimming for his life as the crocadiles loom in and start snapping at his limbs. He punches and kicks and continues to swim the full length of the pool constantly battling the huge crocs and avoiding their ferocious attacks. Upon reaching the far side of the pool he drags himself out of the pool and scrambles away from the edge gasping for breath, his clothes torn to shreds and his knuckles bleeding.

He made it !! The party erupts with loud cheers and applause and nobody can believe what they just saw not even the eccentric millionaire but he made it and a deals a deal. The millionaire walks over to the exhausted young man picks him up off the floor, shakes his hand and gives him a good hard pat on the back.

'You did it kid. its all yours, the car, the keys, the thousand quid cash, one fully paid posh meal for two and of course one night in a swanky hotel alone with my gorgeous young daughter.'

Gasping for breath the kid replies:

Thanks......thats great.....but I don't want the car......I don't want the keys to the car......I don't want the money, the posh paid for meal for two, the night in a swanky hotel or to be alone with your gourgeous young daughter..........................I just want the b*stard that pushed me in !!

Silver x

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Tease me I tease you back.

Ok so technicaly i should be male to tell this joke but its a good joke and i cant keep it to myself!

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

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Miss Violet Delight @ Myspace

i was really depressed the other day, i stood infront of the mirror and this short, middle aged, tubby woman with greying hair and varicose vaines was staring back at me i said to my husband "George Im so depressed"

He said "whats the matter Irene love?" I said "Well im looking in the mirror and im short, fat, old, grey, varicosed vained i could just cry!" he came up behind me and wrapped is arms round my waste and said "well at least youve got great eye sight"

And then a few days later, as if that wasnt bad enough (after I'd decided to forgive him for that comment) he was at the sink fighting to get the lid off the mustard jar so I watched him for a few minutes (after what he said he deserved to suffer!) but finally i couldnt watch it any longer so I went over, gently took the jar from his hand and ran it under the tap and then POP the lid came off "There George, where would you men be without us women!"


"Still in the bloody graden of Eden!!" he snapped and stalked off if a huff.


i give in